iJustice for Apple

I don't like Apple.

There, I said it. I wish I could say that I feel better now, but I don't. You see, I've been made to feel bad about my choice to be a PC enthusiast for years now. It started with the "Microsoft is the devil" stance often taken at sites like slashdot.

Then came the PC/Mac commercials. You know the ones. Mac is there, looking all hip and trendy and cool. PC is there, looking old and busted and a lot like my uncle that I will never let my kids be alone with (no offense intended to the hysterical Jon Hodgman, who clearly needed to pay the rent). And the point is clear: use a Mac, or be a pariah. Be mocked by the cool kids in the back of the bus that always have the latest clothes and the hottest girlfriends and the uncles that aren't on some national list.

So you can imagine my joy at the Christmas present delivered to me this week by the SEC. It appears as though there is some accounting funny business going on over at Apple, and there are 7M stock options that were payed out to their CEO without anyone's consent. That's a lot of apples.

Hopefully, this will be looked into with an appropriate level of scrutiny. Hopefully the dorks on capitol hill (and let's face it, its hard to think that Orrin Hatch is cool under any circumstances) won't be intimidated by Apple's "cool" factor and will see this through to the end.

If for no other reason than to see that smug look on Mac's face replaced by the shocking realization that he is going to be spending some quality time in a federal prison with a convicted murderer who just happens to love his new Dell. Perhaps the commercial will go something like this:

Mac: Whoa! How did I end up here? Its ok though. Lots of cool people have done time.
PC: Oh, hey there little fella. This is prison. You probably want to take that hoody off before someone strangles you with it.
Mac: No way! I love this thing. Besides, people love me. Haven't you heard? They can't get enough of iTunes.
PC: Um, perhaps you should go over and say hello to the boss of the yard before he comes to see you.
Mac: No way. He's not cool enough for me.

(someone walks on from off screen, grabs Mac by the hood and drags him off screen. Grunts and screams are heard. PC weeps. Mac returns, his hoody gone.)

Mac: I can't believe that just happened.
PC: Yeah, maybe you should offer yourself as a new product: iPrisonBitch.